NFL Observations: Snarky 150

NFL Observations: Snarky 150

This article is part of our NFL Observations series.

This is an overall list for 12-team PPR leagues as of August 4, 2020. For rankings updated multiple times per day, click here.

Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are tasteless, are not meant to be taken seriously.

Warning: many, if not most, are stupid, though it can't be worse than last year's.

1Christian McCaffreyRBCAROnly ranked this high due to racism
2Saquon BarkleyRBNYGBetter real-life draft pick than Sam Darnold
3Ezekiel ElliottRBDALFortunately no assault allegations this offseason
4Alvin KamaraRBNOEnjoy Taysom Hill's 10 touchdowns
5Michael ThomasWRNOCan't guard Mike because it's too easy to complete five-yard passes
6Clyde Edwards-HelaireRBKCCOVID opportunist
7Nick ChubbRBCLEStarting to get excited about his upside
8Derrick HenryRBTENShaun Alexander career path
9Dalvin CookRBMINPaid like a dishwasher when he's head chef
10Joe MixonRBCINLacks hold-out leverage on perennial non-contender
11Miles SandersRBPHINew York Scott
12Aaron JonesRBGBPackers' only talented receiver
13DeAndre HopkinsWRARIGetting traded for David Johnson is rock bottom
14Davante AdamsWRGBSlow, inefficient crutch for Aaron Rodgers
15Chris GodwinWRTBHitler's Law: Once Godwin is picked, draft is over
16Tyreek HillWRKCApparently no police involvement this offseason
17Kenyan DrakeRBARIHoneymoon phase expiring soon
18Austin EkelerRBLACCould eke out fraction of last year's anomalous breakout
19Josh JacobsRBLVPoor man's Jeremy Hill
20Odell BeckhamWRCLEOnly four years since he's been healthy
21Julio JonesWRATLDespises end zone
22Travis KelceTEKCSystem tight end
23Jonathan TaylorRBINDMarlon Mack's backup
24Melvin GordonRBDENLocked into bad offense
25James ConnerRBPITValuable in rare event he's not injured
26George KittleTESFPro bowl left tackle who catches occasional pass
27Allen RobinsonWRCHILife sentence of Bortles, Trubisky and Foles
28Patrick MahomesQBKCZero motivation after contract
29Lamar JacksonQBBALShould have played wide receiver
30Kenny GolladayWRDETOlder than you think
31D.J. MooreWRCARHad hoped for more than Teddy Bridgewater
32Amari CooperWRDALCeeDee Lamb already better
33DJ CharkWRJAXTalent wasted in Jacksonville
34Adam ThielenWRMINHas hamstrings of a 90-year old
35Mike EvansWRTBIrrelevant with grandpa under center
36Terry McLaurinWRWASUnfairly saddled with Haskins at every level
37JuJu Smith-SchusterWRPITFound true level without Roethlisberger and Brown
38A.J. BrownWRTENUseful on rare occasion Titans throw a forward pass
39Calvin RidleyWRATLPerennial second fiddle
40Mark AndrewsTEBALSomeone has to catch Lamar Jackson's passes
41Todd GurleyRBATLHas knees of a 90-year old
42Courtland SuttonWRDENQB a lock to drag down stats
43DK MetcalfWRSEALateral quickness of a defensive tackle
44Cooper KuppWRLAREven slower than Robert Woods
45Le'Veon BellRBNYJFranchised by the Steelers > overpaid by the Jets
46Devin SingletaryRBBUFTeam trusts him so much it drafted Moss
47Leonard FournetteRBJAXPoor man's Trent Richardson
48Zach ErtzTEPHIJack Doyle with more targets
49DeVante ParkerWRMIAPut together his first good half-season
50Marquise BrownWRBALMore brittle DeSean Jackson
51Michael GallupWRDALLeague leader in drops
52Keenan AllenWRLACTarget hog without targets
53Tyler BoydWRCINWashed-up carcass of A.J. Green has higher ADP
54Tyler LockettWRSEASecond fiddle to Metcalf
55David MontgomeryRBCHIElite hype to performance ratio
56Chris CarsonRBSEAPoor man's Marion The Barbarian
57Mark IngramRBBALAverage man could get 5.0 YPC next to Lamar Jackson
58D'Andre SwiftRBDETADP would be 10 spots lower if last name were "Slug"
59Ronald JonesRBTBWill be excoriated by TB12, benched forever after missing blitz pickup
60Robert WoodsWRLARIncapable of scoring touchdowns
61Cam AkersRBLARCam Square Feet if stuck in committee
62Darren WallerTELVPlays for the Raiders
63Dak PrescottQBDALNot valued by Cowboys
64Kyler MurrayQBARIShould have stuck with baseball
65J.K. DobbinsRBBALPoor man's J.K. Rowling
66David JohnsonRBHOUWorst fantasy ROI in NFL history
67Raheem MostertRBSFJourneyman special teamer who doesn't catch passes. Leastert 
68Kareem HuntRBCLEBrief stint at kicker cost him SB ring
69Derrius GuiceRBWASNot especially durable
70Russell WilsonQBSEANever throws forward pass until fourth quarter
71Deshaun WatsonQBHOUAndrew Luck career path
72Jordan HowardRBMIAEnjoying journeyman phase
73Darrell HendersonRBLARNothing Rams have done suggests they value him
74Stefon DiggsWRBUFSo unhappy in Minnesota, he joined league's worst passing team
75T.Y. HiltonWRINDT.Y. Motel Six
76A.J. GreenWRCINOdds he stays healthy are low
77Darius SlaytonWRNYGBizarre both NFL players whose last names start with "Slay" are named "Darius"
78Mike WilliamsWRLACOnly runs "jump ball" route
79Rob GronkowskiTETBFailed professional wrestler
80Jarvis LandryWRCLEMysterious power to command targets far exceeds football talent
81Matt BreidaRBMIAAverage man could get five YPC in 49ers system. Good luck in Miami!
82Phillip LindsayRBDENNot taken seriously as workhorse
83CeeDee LambWRDALCould be slaughtered by opposing defenses
84Duke JohnsonRBHOUDoomed to situational role even if last man on earth
85Kerryon JohnsonRBDETDamaged during turbulence 
86John BrownWRBUFCompeting with Diggs for share of off-target passes
87Jerry JeudyWRDENRookie WR with no offseason, trying to get in sync with Drew Lock
88Jalen ReagorWRPHINext Nelson Agholor
89Anthony MillerWRCHIDislocated shoulder more times than Martin Riggs
90Jamison CrowderWRNYJSlow, small, slot man paired with Darnold and Gase
91Diontae JohnsonWRPITSlow, small and for God knows what reason overhyped
92Brandin CooksWRHOUProving concussions are not partial to helmet logo
93Tarik CohenRBCHIFumbles more than Jameis Winston
94Carson WentzQBPHIPoor man's Nick Foles
95Matt RyanQBATLVanilla Ice
96Nyheim HinesRBINDOnly member of offense in Rivers' shot-put range
97Tony PollardRBDALStuck behind player already immune to COVID
98Julian EdelmanWRNEAge is just a number you can't remember when you've been concussed 15 times
99Hunter RenfrowWRLVSkilled at catching five-yard pass
100Marvin JonesWRDETStill playing
101Will FullerWRHOUNFL's Byron Buxton
102Brandon AiyukWRSFPoor man's Deebo Samuel
103Hunter HenryTELACPoor man's Ladarius Green
104Jared CookTENOErratic journeyman tight end
105Evan EngramTENYGMore injury prone than Will Fuller
106Josh AllenQBBUFCam Newton with even less touch and accuracy
107Daniel JonesQBNYGBakeries create fewer turnovers
108Joe BurrowQBCINHis name describes best course of action behind current O-line
109Baker MayfieldQBCLEPoor man's Johnny Manziel
110Alexander MattisonRBMINEvery day reminds Dalvin Cook he's getting peanuts
111Latavius MurrayRBNOThe NFL's only Latavius
112Boston ScottRBPHIKilometers Sanders
113Zack MossRBBUFMic Jagger and Keith Richards refuse to draft
114Christian KirkWRARINot Captain of WR corps this year
115Sony MichelRBNEProof the Pats can't figure out how to cheat the draft
116Justin JeffersonWRMINRandom WR Vikings panic-drafted in Round 1
117Ke'Shawn VaughnRBTBBucs signing LeSean McCoy's decaying remains speaks volumes
118N'Keal HarryWRNE"Do You Feel Lucky, Punk?"
119T.J. HockensonTEDETGoing down Evan Engram career path
120Mike GesickiTEMIAAptly named in 2020
121Hayden HurstTEATLPoor man's Austin Hooper
122Deebo SamuelWRSFAlready hurt
123James WhiteRBNEMarginal pass-catching back without trusted dink-and-dunk QB
124Tevin ColemanRBSFBackup to career special teamer
125Antonio GibsonRBWASCouldn't hack it at wide receiver, demoted to RB
126Dallas GoedertTEPHIWaiting for Goedert to get a starting job
127Jonnu SmithTETENPoor man's Delanie Walker
128Jerick McKinnonRBSFAnyone with a functional knee can get 5.0 YPC for the Niners
129Cam NewtonQBNESo much for Jarrett Stidham era
130Matthew StaffordQBDETEmpty stat accumulator on perennial non-contender
131Preston WilliamsWRMIAWho needs a functional ACL?
132Mecole HardmanWRKCIf Chubb can't achieve penetration in close, Browns could trade for Hardman
133Marlon MackRBINDTeam's worst option on downs 1-4
134Damien HarrisRBNEPatriots trust him less than Aaron Dobson
135Devonta FreemanRBFASomeone must need slow, old, concussed back
136Anthony McFarlandRBPITOnly Conner's fragility makes him relevant
137Tom BradyQBTBAs functional as Grandpa from Texas Chainsaw Massacre these days
138AJ DillonRBGBThird-stringer who can't catch
139Robby AndersonWRCARGreat landing spot for one-dimensional speedster
140Golden TateWRNYGBronze Tate at best
141Sammy WatkinsWRKCA+ philosopher, low-end wideout
142Breshad PerrimanWRNYJLess than ideal spot to build on micro breakout
143Sterling ShepardWRNYGNeeds to better tend his flock of brain cells
144James WashingtonWRPITNot buying Diontae Johnson hype
145DeSean JacksonWRPHIYou should see his "Snarky 150"
146Parris CampbellWRINDIf only he had football skills
147Henry RuggsWRLVPoor man's Darrius Heyward-Bey
148Allen LazardWRGBLazard person
149Ryan TannehillQBTENNothing about 2020 more off-putting than thinking Tannehill might be good
150Drew BreesQBNONeeds to update his empty platitudes

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Chris Liss
Chris Liss is RotoWire's Managing Editor and Host of RotoWIre Fantasy Sports Today on Sirius XM radio.
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