Snarky 150: Overall PPR Cheatsheet & Obnoxious Commentary

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Updated on August 14, 2017 7:15PM EST

This is an overall list for 12-team PPR leagues as of August 14, 2017. For rankings updated multiple times per day, click here.

Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are offensive and in poor taste, are not meant to be taken seriously.

Warning: many, if not most, are stupid, though it can't be worse than last year's.

Rank	Player	Pos	Team	Comment
1	David Johnson	RB	AZ	Let you down in Week 17
2	Le'Veon Bell	RB	PIT	Holding out to avoid drug test
3	Antonio Brown	WR	PIT	Profiting off Roethlisberger squandering last unconcussed brain cell
4	Odell Beckham	WR	NYG	Massive "distraction" to Ben McAdoo's garbage offense.
5	Julio Jones	WR	ATL	Limps around between plays like he's 80
6	A.J. Green	WR	CIN	Reliably injured for your fantasy playoffs
7	Mike Evans	WR	TB	Kelvin Benjamin with more volume
8	Devonta Freeman	RB	ATL	Should have bought Super Bowl meltdown insurance instead
9	LeSean McCoy	RB	BUF	Best days almost certainly behind him
10	Melvin Gordon	RB	SD	Switched with Todd Gurley in "Freaky Friday" scenario
11	Michael Thomas	WR	NO	Make sure you draft the right one
12	Jordy Nelson	WR	GB	Deceptive Speed
13	Brandin Cooks	WR	NE	What Walter White should have been named
14	Amari Cooper	WR	OAK	Would it kill Derek Carr to get him a red zone target?
15	Jordan Howard	RB	CHI	Facing 11-man fronts
16	Dez Bryant	WR	DAL	Aghast at the collection of scrubs in Cowboys WR corps
17	Jay Ajayi	RB	MIA	Already concussed
18	Doug Baldwin	WR	SEA	Steve Smith without the mean streak
19	Ezekiel Elliott	RB	DAL	Old school NFL criminal, ill-suited to modern-day scrutiny
20	T.Y. Hilton	WR	IND	If Luck isn't healthy, T.Y. Econo Lodge
21	Terrelle Pryor	WR	WAS	No longer the best QB on his team
22	Rob Gronkowski	TE	NE	Maester Qyburn has him ready for 2017
23	DeMarco Murray	RB	TEN	Overdue for ACL tear
24	Todd Gurley	RB	LAR	Going down Trent Richardson career path
25	Christian McCaffrey	RB	CAR	Deceptive Speed
26	Leonard Fournette	RB	JAC	Should see 400 carries given the alternatives
27	Demaryius Thomas	WR	DEN	Hoping for Trevor Siemian's evolution
28	DeAndre Hopkins	WR	HOU	Upgrading to Savage
29	Carlos Hyde	RB	SF	Career has been more Hyde than Jekyll
30	Allen Robinson	WR	JAC	Played down to the level of his QB last year
31	Golden Tate	WR	DET	Silver Tate at best
32	Davante Adams	WR	GB	It's amazing what happens when you catch the ball
33	Tom Brady	QB	NE	Making America Great Again
34	Travis Kelce	TE	KC	Would it kill him to score a touchdown?
35	Isaiah Crowell	RB	CLE	Prophet will book a loss at current ADP
36	Dalvin Cook	RB	MIN	What Jesse Pinkman should have been named
37	Aaron Rodgers	QB	GB	Proved there's never reason to run the ball
38	Alshon Jeffery	WR	CHI	Injury-prone receiver on new team with bad QB
39	Ty Montgomery	RB	GB	Injury prone WR posing as early-down RB
40	Jimmy Graham	TE	SEA	Should have stuck with basketball
41	Martavis Bryant	WR	PIT	Probably getting high with Lev Bell as I type this
42	Kelvin Benjamin	WR	CAR	Poor man's Eddie Lacy
43	Jarvis Landry	WR	MIA	Accused wife beater, more effective in PPR
44	Lamar Miller	RB	MIA	As suited to NFL workload as average man off the street
45	Joe Mixon	RB	CIN	Reminiscent of Ray Rice
46	Sammy Watkins	WR	LAR	Demoted to the Rams
47	Emmanuel Sanders	WR	DEN	Only on this list because Broncos WR depth is so thin
48	John Brown	WR	ARZ	The Sheriff
49	Tyreek Hill	WR	KC	Think Devin Hester/Cordarrelle Patterson
50	Spencer Ware	RB	KC	Should have changed name to Spencer Where in second half
51	DeVante Parker	WR	MIA	Perennially hyped disappointment rehabilitated by offseason coach-speak
52	Michael Crabtree	WR	OAK	Richard Sherman was right
53	Willie Snead	WR	NO	Even slower than Michael Thomas
54	Marshawn Lynch	RB	OAK	Obviously he needed the money
55	Keenan Allen	WR	SD	The Eggshell Plaintiff
56	Julian Edelman	WR	NE	Punt returner, might see some time at safety again with Cooks around
57	Tyrell Williams	WR	SD	Wasted No. 7 overall pick on Mike Williams speaks volumes
58	C.J. Anderson	RB	DEN	Moderately reliable on the rare occasion he's healthy
59	Mark Ingram	RB	NO	Despised by his coach
60	Adam Thielen	WR	MIN	Deceptive Speed
61	Greg Olsen	TE	CAR	See Kelce, Travis
62	Rob Kelley	RB	WAS	Corpulent plodder
63	Jamison Crowder	WR	WAS	Small and slow
64	Stefon Diggs	WR	MIN	Call him if you need to bury a body
65	Jordan Reed	TE	WAS	Makes Rob Gronkowski seem durable
66	DeSean Jackson	WR	TB	WAS let him walk and didn't even bother alleging "gang ties"
67	Pierre Garcon	WR	SF	Will soon be waiting tables if play doesn't improve
68	Larry Fitzgerald	WR	AZ	And Gerald Fits Larry
69	Paul Perkins	RB	NYG	A nutless monkey would be an upgrade over Rashad Jennings
70	Donte Moncrief	WR	IND	If anything good were going to happen, it would have already
71	Duke Johnson	RB	CLE	Demoted to slot receiver
72	Terrance West	RB	BAL	Exhibit A that opportunity is necessary but not sufficient
73	Bilal Powell	RB	NYJ	Slotted behind Matt Forte's decaying corpse
74	Tevin Coleman	RB	ATL	Ideal skills for a backup
75	Danny Woodhead	RB	BAL	Deceptive Speed
76	Hunter Henry	TE	SD	Waiting for Antonio Gates to die
77	Drew Brees	QB	NO	Milquetoast compiler in favorable environment
78	Jeremy Maclin	WR	BAL	Runner-up to Kenny Britt in garbage passing-offense tourism
79	Corey Coleman	WR	CLE	Had a better rookie year than Laquon Treadwell and Josh Doctson
80	Tyler Eifert	TE	CIN	Makes Jordan Reed seem durable
81	Brandon Marshall	WR	NYG	Sheldon Richardson won't be drafting him
82	Corey Davis	WR	TEN	Already hurt
83	Cam Newton	QB	CAR	Makes Russell Westbrook look tastefully dressed
84	Randall Cobb	WR	GB	Never recovered from 2015 team recession
85	Rishard Matthews	WR	TEN	Decker signing/Davis drafting not a vote of confidence
86	Mike Gillislee	RB	NE	One fumble away from irrelevance
87	Derrick Henry	RB	TB	Will take over the job the week after you're forced to drop him
88	Eric Decker	WR	TEN	Deceptive Speed
89	Matt Forte	RB	NYJ	Old warhorse on last legs, plying meager wares in wasteland
90	Kenny Britt	WR	CLE	Crisscrossing the league one hellscape at a time
91	Darren McFadden	RB	DAL	A nutless monkey could produce behind that O-line
92	Kyle Rudolph	TE	MIN	Dink and dunk enabler for Sam Bradford
93	Zach Ertz	TE	PHI	Only draft if your league counts Week 17
94	Jordan Matthews	WR	BUF	Lost job to Nelson Agholor before getting dump-traded for peanuts
95	Ameer Abdullah	RB	DET	Poor man's Jahvid Best
96	C.J. Prosise	RB	SEA	Seattle offense could be more Prosise-oriented this year
97	Theo Riddick	RB	DET	Enabler of Stafford's dink and dunk habit
98	Martellus Bennett	TE	GB	Selfish player only willing to play with elite QB
99	Delanie Walker	TE	TEN	Aging mediocrity no longer only target in town
100	Eddie Lacy	RB	GB	Free from hypocrisy of losing weight for fat coach
101	Cameron Meredith	WR	CHI	Overhyped scrub on bottom-of-the-barrel offense
102	Breshad Perriman	WR	BAL	A nutless monkey with his size/speed would be a star by now
103	Kevin White	WR	CHI	A nutless monkey would be in the Hall of Fame with his physical gifts
104	Eric Ebron	TE	DET	Already injured again
105	Adrian Peterson	RB	NO	Superhuman runner treats defenders like his children
106	Kareem Hunt	RB	KC	Overhyped rookie on terrible offense
107	Russell Wilson	QB	SEA	Should finally see action now that he's married
108	D'Onta Foreman	RB	HOU	Someone has to get carries when Lamar Miller taps out
109	Thomas Rawls	RB	SEA	Competing for early-down work with an offensive lineman
110	Marvin Jones	WR	DET	Even Houdini envies Jones' disappearing act
111	Tyler Lockett	WR	SEA	Poor man's Paul Richardson
112	Kirk Cousins	QB	WAS	Despises his employer
113	Andrew Luck	QB	IND	NFL's Stephen Strasburg
114	Mike Wallace	WR	BAL	Whoever made him the NFL's highest paid WR should be executed
115	Jamaal Charles	RB	DEN	Samuel Jackson in "Unbreakable" has better chance of staying healthy
116	Doug Martin	RB	TB	Not worth the wait
117	Matt Ryan	QB	ATL	Matty Water in the Super Bowl
118	Jack Doyle	TE	IND	Random player getting unjustified hype based on situation
119	Giovani Bernard	RB	CIN	Returning from November ACL tear to three-man committee
120	Marcus Mariota	QB	TEN	Almost certain to get hurt
121	James White	RB	NE	SB hero relegated to four-man committee
122	Ted Ginn	WR	NO	DeSean Jackson if he lost his hands in an accident
123	Jameis Winston	QB	TB	Should consider targeting someone other than Mike Evans
124	Josh Doctson	WR	WAS	Headed down the Kevin White career path
125	Marqise Lee	WR	JAC	Real man doesn't get carted off the field with minor injury
126	LeGarrette Blount	RB	PHI	Journeyman plodder might miss Pats offense
127	Charles Sims	RB	TB	A nutless monkey could win the TB job
128	Robert Woods	WR	LAR	Provides nice downgrade for league's worst passing team
129	Latavius Murray	RB	MIN	Cook pick shows Vikings true feelings on Murray signing - regret
130	Dak Prescott	QB	DAL	One bad game, media will clamor for Romo
131	Andy Dalton	QB	CIN	Treated like red-headed stepchild by ADP
132	Kenny Golladay	WR	DET	Size and speed not needed in Lions dink-and-dunk scheme
133	Justin Tucker	K	BAL	Real man not afraid to take kicker in the 12th
134	O.J. Howard	TE	TB	Rookie TE getting drafted for no reason
135	Austin Hooper	TE	ATL	Not necessarily good, but not a proven scrub
136	John Ross	WR	CIN	Usain Bolt with bum shoulder
137	Philip Rivers	QB	LAC	Overpopulation not high on list of concerns
138	Zay Jones	WR	BUF	One of three Bills slot receivers
139	Devin Funchess	WR	CAR	Has shown nothing that portends success to date
140	Tyrod Taylor	QB	BUF	Wasn't expecting Watkins to play more than a few games anyway
141	Ben Roethlisberger	QB	PIT	Maester Qyburn gave up on him
142	Coby Fleener	TE	NO	Deceptive speed
143	C.J. Fiedorowicz	TE	HOU	Deceptive speed
144	Derek Carr	QB	OAK	Poor man's David Carr
145	Matthew Stafford	QB	DET	One-time gunslinger now dink-and-dunk eunuch
146	Robby Anderson	WR	NYJ	A nutless monkey could lead the Jets in receiving
147	Eli Manning	QB	NYG	Career built on nepotism and fortuitous timing
148	Samaje Perine	RB	WAS	All the hype faded after one preseason game
149	Julius Thomas	TE	MIA	MIA is the perfect team for him - since 2014
150	Blake Bortles	QB	JAC	No point shaver would make it that obvious